Letters from the Gay Bros

Letter 1: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

My Dearest Brothers Gabriel and Michael,

I, Lucifer, find myself banished for one Heavenly day to Gay Bros for transgressions wildly overblown by Yahweh, in my considerable opinion. How was I to know that one of my Projects to occupy the eternal days of Heaven would go terribly wrong by making one of the most pleasurable pastimes of the Gay experience into the HIV pandemic simply by forgetting to alter a binding receptor or two in one of my pet viruses so as not be injurious to His beloved Gays as well? I was only intending to help Him with his rigorous schedule of subjecting the Fallen --  those hapless vessels of procreation who readily bit into the Forbidden Fruit -- to their rotating issuance of plague and pestilence. Is it petulant and injurious to my case to point out that He has made His share of miscalculations and enjoys His petty jealousies? Are we not being groomed to take over His creation so He is free to start His next Project? How are we to take the reigns without well honed skills of retribution and wrath at our disposal?

Yet, by the by, I have made the most of my unscheduled penitence by observing the peculiarities of the Gay race as exhibited in the most peculiar group of Gay Bros. Had I but known that my negligence would result in such crazed reaction by His sacred Gay Bros to ape the regular subject of His ire for the Fallen, I would have surely doubled down on my rigor. Gays are untouched by Original Sin, and His ire is withheld from them. Alas. It should have been clear to the Gays that the Apple Biting and Rib-Missing races of the Fallen were not their fate as well, yet they seem to be rather unclear on that point. Had I been but slapped on the wrist, I could have corrected my work so as to make plain that it is the Fallen who are the targets of wrath and the Fallen alone. Yet here I am.

Letter 2: Methuselah Lived Nine Hundred Years

His creation is over 6000 Heavenly years old and Methuselah lived nine hundred of the Earthly variety. The scales vary where a Heavenly Year is 2 million of the Earthly variety.  Yet the young Gay -- a callow one score of the diminutive sort -- has come to the conclusion that they will become immortal during their Earthly journey. Where the idea that their mortal coil is everlasting is a complete mystery as I'm sure that none of us ever implied such a heresy. Their ashes and dust, after all, are the fertilizer for upcoming entertainment of their ever varied nincompoopery. Idiocy after all requires constant replenishment and fresh material.

That is precisely why He adjusted their time spans since the days of Methuselah, as their maximum useful ability to provide hilarity was determined to be a mere 80 -- four score -- Earthly years. Even then Heavenly summer reruns are nearly insufferable in our quest for new entertainment. We have considered adjusting to one score to quadruple our entertainment quotient, but alas less than one score results in the thoroughly explored topics of teenage angst, as well childhood tantrums. As always, seen and not heard is not only an Earthly maxim, but a Heavenly directive as well.

Yet one score Gays carry a belief that they will be young everlasting, all evidence and intention to the contrary. Even more peculiar is their notion that older Gays shall meet their maker in two score, rather than the usual four score years. The one score Gays have this curious notion that reanimated two score aged Gays will eat the brains of the one score variety. No clarity of purpose for devouring their empty and experienceless brains is given. What is the nourishment in this for two score or better Gays? Surely one score Gays have heard that empty calories contribute almost single-handedly to the deadly sin of Gluttony?

One score Gays also believe that with their new-found immortality they were also imbued with omniscience directly from the womb. They believe that in youth, knowledge is slowly revealed until peaking at one score years, and quickly declining until hitting zero at two score. Beyond two score knowledge seems to turn negative and ushers in a zombie hereafter.  Thus, the importance of the belief in immortality is directly linked to the importance of retaining His gift of omniscience. This is completely puzzling since their fallibility is part and parcel to their entertainment value, and would defeat our entire enterprise.

Time moves very slowly in Heaven, so it is vital that new content is constantly produced. Their misapprehension is a source of entertainment for us, but never fails to amuse the two score gays as well. One score Gays desperately cling to the hope that St. Oscar of Wilde's Picture of Dorian Gray is something other than a sop to cheer their miserable destiny. It is mystifying where they got this idea, but if there is some sort of received knowledge from the womb it is that they will think they will finally escape nature's destiny and that they will be the first ones to use their newfound status to repel the zombie elders once and for all. Worse, they forget that St. Oscar has long since been reaped and repurposed to dissuade them of this notion.

Methus'lah lived nine hundred years
Say, but who calls dat livin'
When no gal'll give in
To no man what's nine hundred years?

Scatty wah !

Letter 3: The Incels

The Incel of the Rib-Missing race is the most reviled creature on His creation next only to the infernal mosquito. Since His is the province of Pride alone, He defiantly decided not admit mistake and marched both, two by two, onto the Ark in a pique. Of the entire race of those missing a random rib bone, the incel's inability to acquire the barest of social lubrication so as to court even the most meager and homely Apple Biter is an offense against Him. In His celebrated days of yore, His wrath would have produced a pillar of salt in their insolence without second thought!

Yet in His dotage after the changing of Testaments, His wrath has receded and the trade in genuine Sodom Salt has passed into memory. Instead we are left with dull witted, flatulent incels free to roam His creation with their toxic miasma wafting in their wake. Their constant insistence  that "fuck people" reign informs an entire culture of mischief that would otherwise be dulled by the Morpheus of post coital bliss. Incels should not be underestimated because they have created a monumental decent into idiocy on His shining city on the hill. Who but an incel with no discernible life could pull off their ultimate revenge by promoting and installing a leader who not only enthusiastically embraces all of the deadly sins and breaks all of His commandments, but declares himself to be co-equal or better to Yahweh Himself! I swear that not even I could pull this practical joke off, as it is above even my pay grade. It was only by their hive mind persistence and malice aforethought that such a plot twist of unexpected insanity could be executed. It is truly remarkable that Pussy Grabbing could be made into a virtue by those who have never so much as seen one!

Gay incels on the other hand are thought by the most reasonable and educated to be strictly of the mythical imagination. Yet as He is my witness, they are part of His Creation! I would have scarcely believed it had I not seen it with mine own eyes! They are in all of the aspects the chameleon who has badly miscalculated the worth of its disguise. To what purpose does stubbornly giving up the blessings of gay sex gain them? It is a mystery, but mysteries abound like why people want to spend the hereafter listening to eternal harp music when not one in ten of them likes the infernal strumming.

Their most puzzling attraction is to the Straight Friend. Why in tarnation His chosen would want to fraternize with the Fallen is inexpiable, let alone lead a miserable lonely existence in hopes of... what? The Fallen serve but one purpose beyond their entertainment value: procreating the next generation of the Chosen. Beyond that the Fallen are just awaiting the cosmic discard pile. His Israelite Chosen ones -- of the Apple-Biter and Rib-Missing variety -- are a mere %1 of the population and manage to keep to their own tribe for millenia . He has given Gays 5% of the population and yet Gay incels cannot stay within their own?

Gay incels, like their Fallen incel brethren, express their unhappiness in most the unseemly ways. While the normal variety hates Apple Biters, Gay incels fill in all of the rest of the blanks. They hate the gift of sex. They hate the thought of anybody else having sex. They can't abide the thought that any people having sex unless they exited the womb within mere moments of their own exit. They hate the thought of sex with races they perceive to be not of their own. They are, however, experts on relationships. How this knowledge is bestowed is a mystery: it certainly was nothing of our doing. Apparently the lack of knowledge and experience is precisely what gives you knowledge and experience! This may be His doing as it does make tasty logic pretzels for enjoyment while quaffing a tankard of ale worthy of Bacchus himself enjoying His show!

Letter 4: Return of the Puritans

As we've seen in all of our summer reruns, Puritanism was a particularly entertaining attempt to get His attention, not that He gives it any more pause than any other of their pleas and prayers. You must admit that hell and brimstone, scarlet A's, and burnt witches were a good belly laugh. In the Earth years leading up to my Project going awry, people were having sex. Well, not the incels but their sad story I have already chronicled. As human ingenuity grew they even managed to get past His sexual plagues and pestilence to assuage his vexation for that damnable tree. So it was that sex was then practiced freely and frequently in those decades. Gay people reveled in their newfound freedoms as much as the Fallen and all was good. When my accident happened, a curious side effect happened. Sex ceased to be just a fun pastime as was its original purpose for Gays, but instead become a moral failing that would make Cotton Mather himself blush. Puritanical Gays stopped calling Gay sex, sex and instead renamed it "barebacking" to underscore their new found piety. Condoms, like the Mormon's Underwear, are held as the way to righteousness, while an ever present Sheath of Damocles hovers over the head of would-be transgressors.

As I mentioned before, He decided to let them figure out for themselves how to deal with my inadvertent and innocently released plague. In retrospect that was a wise decision as it gave His Gays a new found purpose and standing to finally lead them to their birthright higher status. So it was that when they finally achieved a treatment for my mistake, they were free to go about having sex without any particular reason to not do anything differently than before my mistake. Yet a very curious thing happened. Instead of celebrating their victory, the Gay incels along with their one score puritan Gay allies instead of disbanding doubled down! What is the logic in this you might ask? Well it seems they believe that found a loophole in that you might get one of the plagues or pestilences that they already conquered. Put aside that that was never a consideration while having sex before my mistake. They then go on to darkly insinuate that people having sex before my plague were in fact reckless and deserved their slow painful deaths! One would expect that from His Fallen false prophets, yet puritan Gays have internalized this silly notion too!

Now none of this makes any amount of sense unless you look at it through the lens of the Gay incel, and the vacuousness of a one score Gay at the height of his omniscience. Ceasing to consider the delivered wisdom of condom use causes severe moral outrage with these curious creatures. Since three score gays were actually around to gainsay this revision of history, the one score Gays hold to their convictions citing that three score gays are well into their zombiedom and are in fact trying to eat their brains again with this heresy. The logic of the situation matters little. They can be told till the cows come home that all of the other infections and pestilence can be caught orally, for which nobody demands the sheath of health. Such facts only enrages them into a furor that makes witch burning seem tame. They bring about the rage of the incel and their one score brethren to man the defense with Tiki Torches and sounding the heresy button, the likes of which sound of a hen laying an asteroid! That they pass on earthly pleasures, but perplexingly to what end? I can't even speculate. They are very, very curious creatures as I have written.

Letter 5: I Know, We'll Call Them Bulgarians

The Gay incels and their one score brethren are a very judgemental lot. In both cases their inexperience informs their judgements. Yet there is an extremely curious phenomenon that transcends their inexperience. That is, the more that they rail against some perceived trait, the more likely they are to have that very trait! In most cases this is done with complete lack of self-awareness. Self-unawareness was a blessing bestowed to the Fallen to give them some respite from their otherwise drab existence. Yet Gays were not given that sop as were the Fallen. Self-unawareness must instead be a learned trait with Gays. To be gay is to have self-awareness almost by definition: how else do you discover that you are one of the Chosen unless you possess it?

For some of the one score Gays self-awareness seems to be the first piece of omniscience shed as they start their decline toward dotage. Take for instance the spectacle of the Bulgarian hustler. Now the Bulgarian hustler is near to a contradiction, I know, but such creatures do exist. The process of becoming a Bulgarian hustler requires the abdication of self-awareness necessarily. This leads to strange and incongruous behavior like hectoring young gays about having self-respect by dating people within their own age range. Yet the Bulgarian hustler must date people in the three to four score range in pursuit of their vocation. It does not occur to them there is an irony. Nor does the Bulgarian hustler giving any sort of relationship advice bring question to their mind. The Bulgarian hustler is also convinced that people will believe their claim to be the insertive party in transactions. Never has this been the case for any other of such transactions, yet the Bulgarian hustler deems himself unique -- to no one's belief. Nor does there seem to be any irony -- and hence self-awareness -- of the Bulgarian hustler taking the mantle of white supremacy. Does the pitiful creature not understand that Bulgarians are white only by lack of another category of His races? Were He more exacting, they would have been binned with the Hittites and the Assyrians, not the Viking and the Roman.

This is but one particularly idiotic example of this phenomenon, but there are many more. In particular, perceived femininity is very fertile ground. Throughout Gay history, there is an extremely strong urge to hide the drag queens. Drag queens they say give Gays a bad name. I cannot understand this though: do actors give people a bad name too? Must they be hidden as well? Drag queens seem to be emblematic of a larger issue which is that to have even the slightly stereotypical feminine trait is to be a traitor to the cause. It also provides a way to establish the Gay pecking order. In this scheme, it would seem that John Wayne is the apex male and all others are suspect and impure. Since John Wayne has long since been reaped and recycled this leaves less masculine Gays to jockey for their position. Their only tool to that end is to recoil in horror -- in a very masculine way, mind you -- to other Gays' perceived feminine flaws. It matters naught if they are perfumed and coiffed immaculately if they can find another of the race who is slightly more dandy, such as indulging in a pedicure or the judicious botox or two.  Self-awareness would prevent this form of idiocy, but alas it is too easily jettisoned with the foregone results predictable.

Letter 6: Boil, Boil Toil and Trouble

 

When He set about to make the Heavens and the Earth, He had in mind that they would be a special place for his greatest achievement: humans. When the Fallen failed miserably and lead to Original Sin, He was brightened by the knowledge that his blessed Gays would be free from that stain. They could be fruitful without regard to multiplication, division, addition, or subtraction. Thus was it not of any particularly care of His to consider any carnal scheme of strictly mechanical permutations of the act in high enough pertinence to issue edict and guidance. The resulting vacuum led to an unintended consequence. Gays self-sorted into two mutually antagonistic camps: Tops and Bottom. That may be a bit of an overstatement, however. Gays self-sorted into Tops who were mostly oblivious to the nuances and gradations that Bottoms ascribed to their desires, and Bottoms who put each other on a scale of desirability that is largely unknown and incomprehensible to their potential Top assignations.

So this actually comes down to what I have discovered and label the Hysteria of the Bottom. Hysterical Bottoms inform almost the entirety of Gay Bros, and Abuse Bottoms the remainder. It is quite a fascinating thing that they've engineered. Each Bottom comes up with his own calculus of what are considered masculine traits, and which are considered feminine where the factors invariably are weighted to their advantage. The hilarity is that since there is no agreed upon standard, the petty bickering rivals the Academic Dispute in its ferocity. It is true that some Gay Bottoms have learned this is a mug's game and that they keep their dance card full regardless, but for the vast majority this is a blood sport without rival. Take for example when hair #428 is out of place. Masc or Fem? Different Bottoms, different results, same hysteria. Which brings us to the Abuse Bottom. It is a special subspecies of Hysterical Bottom who sole aim is to parlay its perpetual showing at the bottom of the Bottom Totem Pole into a virtue by way of being a play thing much as a cat bats around the hapless mouse, hoping for the pity and attention of the Top. Abuse Bottoms are a Hail Mary attempt to win and rarely succeed but they are attention getting at the very least.

Dynasty was a soap opera that Gays held in the highest regard right after my banishment. For all intents and purposes the main Apple Biting protagonists and antagonists were drag queens by the names of Crystal and Alexis, respectively. Drag queens are reviled by the incels and one score gays as I've previously written, but yet... there seems to be a connection never the less. Bottoms project all of their supposed masculinity calculus onto the unwitting Top who must try as best he can to make sense of this spectacle. More often than not, the entire sport devolves into an Alexis and Crystal mud fight where the Top finds the nearest exit as soon as manly possible. It would be much easier and productive for the Top to just dispatch a Bottom from the herd rather than subject himself to unnecessary trampling, dewiggings, bobby pins, and anal carrots flying into his unguarded eyeballs. Yet most Tops are as oblivious to these machinations as they are to the corsets and taping of the drag queen, so are left vulnerable and unbeknownst.

Since fem shaming is a blood sport, logic and sense enter little into the considerations and equations of this competition. Anything that makes the Hysterical Bottom potentially viewed in lesser regard is taken as a blood libel in need of dispatch with the Heresy Button. Up and coming Hysterical Princesses clamor to their Queen's side to participate in making sure the Heretic is not only silenced, but banished for the violence perpetrated against their Queen. The keepers of Gay Bros are mostly indifferent to Hysterical Bottoms but will act as the porter at Hell's Gate and when enough knock, knock, knock's are heard, the key will be turned after musing as to who will be admitted. This property keeps the entirety of Gay Bros in line with its ultimate purpose which is to ensnare the Top unawares and devour them in their body count contest. Amazingly enough, it makes not one whit of difference whether a precious Top is caught up in the feeding frenzy! Or more precisely, a sentient Top is to be expunged with prejudice so as to insure that only the most docile and tame Tops remain.

Letter 7: Adam and Steve

Virgin Gay incels as well as the one score variety are apparently imbued with divine knowledge that the monogamist state of coupling is not only preferred but is in fact morally superior. We took no mind of it since there was no particular reason to care as no Issue would be produced except on the rarest of occasions, and then only by the most accomplished Hysterical Bottom. So this seems to be yet another piece of revealed truth that their omniscience provides to them, but is of surprise to us.

They claim that monogamy provides the only possible firewall against the lowest form of depravity: the fell "gutter slut". Gutter sluts apparently can scarcely eat or sleep due to their nonstop search for carnal activities. If they are not in the act, they are seeking the next. Gutter sluts are also supposed to be the only ones who can catch our other plagues and pestilence, including my transgression. Well, most importantly my transgression, by the by. Curiously, the thickness of this firewall seems not particularly robust in their telling as the only thing between bliss and gutter-sluttery is a single incident. Pay no mind that there seems to be no definition of what might qualify as an "incident". To the most pious of them, a mere fluttering of the heart, or excess of heat in the loins is enough to take years of wedded bliss and within seconds reduce the transgressor into mad lust, and falling into the nearest gutter as newly minted slut. Their reaction is always clear and stern: burn the transgressor at the stake, the sooner the better. When the slightly more experienced Gays -- and especially the undead two score Gays -- suggest that relationships can be a little bit more nuanced, the Heresy Button is pounded with a fury worthy of the Furies themselves! By the by, their omniscience has given me new insights that I would have never obtained without seeing it myself.

Another strange custom is that once monogamous, all manner of carnal frivolity can be pursued in complete safety. Monogamy must be announced on an approved bridal registry within one week of knowing a partner, or upon consummation whichever happens first. Beyond the formalities,  the Sheath of Damocles is immediately removed from over the conjugal bed and stored with pride upon the parlor mantle for all to see and admire. They even believe that it immunizes them from my gaffe!

Yet have we not been told formerly that any sort of transgression immediately leads to the depraved gutter slut state of being? And since only gutter sluts can get and transmit our various plagues, it seems rather difficult to square the circle of the prophylaxis of monogamy against the instant descent into debauchery of the gutter slut. I suppose that by "instant" it could be taken literally which should make it readily obvious to the virtuous party, but that doesn't seem to stand up to scrutiny since they often only seem to find out spying on their True Love, and then much later. So I am truly puzzled how to reconcile these two seeming contradictory facts. Perhaps we can chat about this upon my return because it is one of the most curious things.

Letter 8: Epilogue

Would that this were a true epilogue since a Heavenly Day equals 2 million of the Earthly variety, so my time here has just begun. However even in the short time I've been here with Gay Bros there are many wonders and puzzles that would have never occurred to me to give thought. How was I to know that He gave Gays omniscience had I not witnessed it myself? I surely wouldn't have guessed that their omniscience peaked at one score years, and decayed to zero by two score. Nor could I have ever comprehended that Gays -- of all of creation -- would celebrate being incels with a misery approaching if not exceeding the Rib-Missing variety. Yet to my credit, I had written you of Gay incels before my letter on Bottoms so did not have a foresight of knowledge of the phenomenon of Abuse Bottoms until I wrote to you about the phenomenon of Tops and Bottoms. 

I most certainly never expected them see them dressed in their felt cockle hats, ruffs, doublets and breeches ready with kindling and pyre to put down the threat of witches at a moment's notice. Nor would I have guessed as scarcely possible that they give up the gift of self-awareness that the closet requires to escape would be given up so freely so as to not even be able to realize that hectoring people for what you hate in yourself may not be wisest use of mental disconnects. And Bottoms! I never knew they had a strict hierarchy, let alone how viciously it was played and enforced! And finally I believe that I found true magic on the Earth. Being able to be spared illness and death on the one hand due to monogamist bliss and being cheated on in arrears is a miracle worth of Him.

Perhaps I will write more letters in the future because they are truly full of surprises, and I know how desperate the need for fresh materiel is. Fortunately, I have but just scratched the surface of the wonders of Gay Bros.

Yours in Eternal Light,


Lucifer