Epilog: I read the book version of Red White and Royal Blue

Heartbreaking

 

Most fan boys read a book and then criticize the film almost universally for deleted scenes and other compactions along with other alterations for things in the book that don't translate well to the screen. I on the other hand saw the film first and have now read the book too. I stand by what I wrote in my review of the film because that's what I saw but I can see how people who read the book first might not agree with some of it. My main takeaway is that they are both really good and different. There is really no point to complain because they are just not the same. Most of the film is pretty faithful to the book but frankly I think the film did some things a lot better than the book. The book and the film largely were the same at least until around the New Year's Eve kiss so I won't dwell on that.

For starters I don't think anything could surpass the scene of Alex talking to Henry on the phone after they had been cut off while in crisis. There is a raw emotion about it that was just heartbreaking with the minimal amount of words said. Alex's "baby" and Henry's "Hurry. Please" captures everything about what they are going through. The scene on the stairs when Alex gets to Kensington and the tenderness of comforting his lover who is in utter despair is just beautiful. I suspect that this is because Matthew Lopez understands the pain of the closet at a visceral level. In general I think that the film captures the agony of Henry's closet better which is what most of the film is about. In the film, you can see that Henry is crying often with his puffy eyes. That's hard to get across in a book.

The other scene that I think the film did much better is the platform on the lake scene. The "drowning" scene is really not possible in a book but it perfectly captures Henry's despair of not being able to have the one thing he wants above all others: Alex. He can have anything in the world materially but he can't have happiness. His closet is suffocating him. Drowning him. Alex's clueless about his situation was a dagger into his heart. Alex falling for Henry while the one thing Henry wanted most, was the one thing he could not have. In the book there was much, much more dialog in that scene while the film was about symbolism. The symbolism wins hands down in my opinion.

The making love scene in the film was better too, in my opinion. In the book, they are pretty torqued having been out drinking all night. That's usually not the best time to try to fuck and even if it's successful it's not going to have the tenderness that the film showed. As the book explains later, Henry has been in love with Alex since the very first time they met. It was bearable because he never thought that Alex would love him back. In the film, it's very clear that Alex is falling hard for Henry even if that surprises him both with him being a guy and Henry of all people. But in the book, it makes it clear that Alex was absolutely obsessed with Henry from way before they ever met. The scene in the film is sort of emblematic of Alex figuring out what that obsession was about. And for Henry it is possessing for the most fleeting amount of time the only thing that he really wants and you can see it in his eyes looking at Alex. That sort of scene and introspection is just not going to happen after a night out drinking in LA. And Paris, of course. Who the fuck doesn't fall in love in Paris?

I agree with the film that compressing June and Nora into Nora is fine. June doesn't really do much if anything that drives the plot. Getting rid of Wimbledon was fine too. It was basically a repeat of the polo match so didn't really bring much to the table other than giving Alex and Henry more together time. The karaoke being in LA was a little more believable than some bar in bumfuck Texas. It's debatable that the Texas venue would be more anonymous because most Americans know who the front line royals are and they'd certainly know who Alex was. But in Hollywood it would have raised a lot of eyebrows and iPhones though.

I think that the meeting with the queen (vs king in the film) made more sense. If they married off the stair scene with it it would make more sense. I don't like throwing in Henry's mother -- who we've never met before -- to stand up to the queen. The film has it right that that was Henry's fight. That's mainly because it finally allows him to become his own man and own his own destiny. A destiny he didn't think was possible. Henry grew leaps and bounds in that scene. He finally allows himself happiness. "I certainly hope not". Perfect.

One major difference between the book and the film was how Alex and Henry were outed. In the film it was a one-off fling reporter of Alex's who did it. That really didn't make a whole lot of sense. And that is certainly not a good way to make friends and lovers in gay land. In the book, there is an entire subplot of Alex's mentor becoming a mole in the republican candidate's campaign. In today's hyper polarized climate that's a hard ask. But what doesn't make sense is that they don't seem to do anything once they find out with the book version. There are vague allusions to it after being in the press, but they don't really resolve whether it was even damaging.

In the book it makes much more sense for Alex to give his coming out speech after having resolved it with Henry in London. In the film, he's basically giving Henry no agency in his outing which puts Henry in another bind. How can you deny anything when the other half has already come clean? So the book makes much more sense. If I recall correctly, the outing speech had a much more personal aspect that wasn't in the book. As in why am I here? I'm fucking in love with him. 

I liked the small subplot of Alex's high school fling Liam having a part in the book. It doesn't push the plot forward at all so I understand why it was cut, but it's probably nice for Liam to finally have closure as a gay man that Alex wasn't just an experimenting straight guy. Small, but nice. I do really wish that Alex had grabbed Henry to introduce him to Liam and his boyfriend on election night. It would be best if he just introduced Henry as his boyfriend and maybe Henry being curious to speak to Liam later since he knew Alex back in the day. Basically Henry disarming the elephant in the room that Alex is dating a prince.

Alex pulling Henry up to them by the arm: "Hey Liam and Spencer, this is my boyfriend Henry"

Liam, nervously: "Nice to meet you, uh...", not knowing how to address him

Henry, breaking in: "Nice to meet you Liam, we really must get together and talk young Alex. And just Henry...", with a mischievous smile 

Liam, laughs and says: "I don't want to scare you away from him", with a broad smile

Alex: "God knows, I've been trying to scare His Royal Highness off for years and can't shake him" and Liam understands their relationship dynamic while starstruck Spencer giggles

Henry, rolling his eyes: "I keep threatening him with dungeons and locked towers for his impertinence and still nothing works. It is my lot in life" and they all burst into laughter

The other thing I want is when Alex butters up the audience at the convention and finds Henry after he gets off stage is to drag Henry back onto stage and say:

"Hey! Have I introduced you to my boyfriend? Meet Henry!"
 

On a personal level... The Emails. I am one of the people who invented an email authentication protocol called DKIM. It wasn't our intent at the time, but as it turns out DKIM makes for pretty air-tight non-repudiation. That is, if you wrote something you can't deny you wrote it and say that it was hacked. It's not quite that simple but suffice it to say it would be very, very difficult to deny it. Imagine my surprise years later after Her Emails (ie, Hillary Clinton's) was a brouhaha that I found out that DKIM was being used to prove that they were real. In the book which has their actual email correspondence (in the film it was really confusing because all they did was text each other) and more importantly the email correspondence of the republican campaign's plot to out Alex and Henry would not be able to be denied. In the book, they needed to get the mole senator to come clean because they didn't have time. In reality running the raw email through one of the many available DKIM verifiers online would have taken only a few minutes. It doesn't really make any difference, but it's just an unintended quirk that any time I hear of a controversy involving email... there I am.

Just to be perfectly clear I am not bagging on the book in any way. Or the film for that matter. They were bound to be different. That's just the way it is. It's just that the film took advantage of the visual media in ways that would be almost impossible in the book. Henry's intense stare as Alex is fucking him for the first time. How can you represent that in a book? The image is raw and visceral. Same with the stair scene. Lopez really took good advantage of his medium without really altering the overall arc of the book. 

So in conclusion I am glad I saw the film first and then read the book. I'd probably be much more critical of the film if I had read the book first, and my takes in my first post about the film would have probably been different because I'd already know the back stories which I didn't have, not having read the book. I don't think that my takes were wrong, per se, it's just that the film doesn't give as much context so you have to infer more. But the long and short of it is that I'm still sort of amazed at how much this has transfixed me in a way that although I loved Heartstopper, it did not. I guess it's the corrosive effect of Henry's forced closet that is just too real. The closet is something pretty unique to the gay experience and you don't see it in gay media very much. Or at least where it's the driving force of the plot. It deserves more attention because our project is far from done. We gay people who are out and happy need to be reminded that our experience is far from the norm. Oh, and last but not least from the book: Henry has a big dick. Big dick bottoms are my fave.

Epilogue

So they've been dropping a few cut scenes and of course there is an uproar about not including them. The problem is that Matthew Lopez was given a two hour time budget so if you're going include them, what are you going to cut or compress? I've scanned through the movie looking for what could be done and I frankly don't see it. The movie is already rushed especially at the end. The one that is causing the most controversy is the fireside chat scene where Henry tells the tale of the prince born with his heart outside his body. In the book this was one of their email exchanges and Alex is trying to understand what makes Henry tick. In the cut scene, it is the night before the lake scene and Alex is basically asking Henry if he has permission to love him. Although it's somewhat ambiguous Alex doesn't think so and thinks that Henry's answer is "yes". What doesn't make sense is why he would have waited? He would have told Henry then and there and it would have been a very different movie. So while the scene is absolutely beautiful and Nick nails it, I understand why it got cut. We should just be happy we got to see it (and hopefully more) instead of complaining it wasn't in the final cut.

Why the fuck am I so smitten by Red White and Royal Blue?

[I should say I haven't read the book (yet), so people who have might have more context about my takes]

Ok, I fully admit that I love the gay rom com genre so I'm an easy mark. It's probably because there was no gay equivalent of things like the Breakfast Club and things like that when I grew up. RW&RB is completely formulaic in the star crossed lovers kind of way. I get that. But they all are to varying degrees: that's not a bug, it's a feature. So why is it that I'm sort of obsessing about it having watched it about 5 times in the last few days? It's even caused me to write some fan fiction about a possible sequel. What in the fuck is wrong with me?

First off I think the acting was superb. I don't know if in the book that Alex was supposed to come off as a typical douchey straight frat boy, but geeze is he annoying even when they are together. If the intent was to be cringe, Taylor Zakhar Perez really pulled it off. His creepy inappropriate familiarity in situations that should have more decorum is every bad stereotype. But in some ways I do see myself much more in Alex's shoes than Henry's. While I'm not a douche (seriously. ok, fuck off) Alex is much more confident of himself and his situation that allows him to be a douche. It took a lot of vulnerability with Henry to tell him that he was scarred when they met and that's why he reacted the way he did to Henry. Bit by bit, he de-douches himself. It allows him to enter a world he had not really contemplated. Even in the end he's still pretty much a douche, but he shows that he is absolutely committed to Henry. I like that. Redemption for douches? Who knew?

Then there is Henry. Yes, Nick Galitzine and especially those lips slay me. But there is something about him and the trap he finds himself in that is so relatable. Being in the closet is bad enough but to be in the closet with the public starring at you 24/7 is horrible. In the old days before the internet and social media you could be gay and famous and live a semi-normal life if the powers that be were complicit with the game. Think old Hollywood. There were plenty of gay actors where it was an open secret that so and so was gay but the studios controlled the narrative. We all knew that Rock Hudson, for example, was gay in and around Hollywood but the studios put up the facade of plausible deniability and everything was good. But for Henry in the internet age, that is not possible and freakishly makes his closet far more miserable. There is no such thing as "confirmed bachelors" anymore. That is something actually new and refreshing because it's new. It's easy to shit on celebrities, but I mean they are still people and have to go through a lot of shit that they don't like just because of their visibility. I certainly don't know what it's like and I don't want to excuse bad behavior but I sure as hell wouldn't want that life. Part of my life is that I just didn't really care what other people thought and was always horny so I can empathize with Henry for whom that is just not possible.

But there are many scenes that kill me. First and foremost is the scene when they've been outed and Henry has his phone taken away from him. When Alex finally manages to get in contact with him and Alex asks him if he's ok, Henry answer "No. No I'm not" and when Alex says he's jumping the next flight London Henry says "Hurry. Please". Their meeting and the tenderness of the scene was just heartbreaking. It's a cliche trope of the top protecting his bottom, but I don't care about the stereotype because it felt very real. You could feel Henry's anguish and hopelessness. Nick did such a good job of conveying that. I don't know where Nick is on the gay spectrum, but geeze does he seem to have access to the emotions. Hey Nick, it's ok either way but if you are it's ok... the water is fine especially if you're bi like Alex.

The butt sex scene is somewhat unusual too for the gay genre. Let's face it, they're usually terrible. Usually it's done under the covers, fully dressed and shown with wild animalistic passion which is not how I experienced sex much. That and the trope of throwing them to a wall and fucking them from behind standing up is too cliche for my taste too. But in this scene they are fucking missionary slowly and passionately taking in every bit of the experience (update: apparently a lot of straight people didn't know we do missionary. It's like what the fuck? It's honestly my favorite because I like to see who I'm having sex with). Henry's expression is especially emotive and shows that he is falling hard for Alex. Alex delivering "making love" in the scene is quite beautiful because Alex is clearly a wham bam thank you ma'am kind of guy. He's clearly falling for Henry too but he is much more conflicted about it. Maybe conflicted is the wrong word, but I think it's because Alex is still rather surprised that he can fall for a guy in a romantic way. That seems like a genuine phenomenon with bisexuals because finding women attractive both for sex and romance is the easy path. Finding guys attractive especially in a romantic context is the hard path and a lot of bi guys can be oblivious to it until that one guy causes them to wake up. Henry on the other hand is terrified. Terrified to allow himself to have feelings. So while the scene is a bit unusual, it did what it needed to do: watching them falling in love while making love.

The lake scene of course was devastating. When Alex talks about taking Henry around Austin hand in hand and Henry's eyes pop open, it perfectly captures Alex's complete naivete as Alex was about to tell him he loved him. The metaphor of Henry drowning because of his closet underscores the terrible toll the closet is taking on him. While I was never especially closeted I can just feel the horrible situation that Henry finds himself in. That Alex is oblivious to that is crushing to Henry. There is no way out because there is no way out. That I think is pretty unusual for the genre and certainly is pretty unique to the gay experience. 

The New Year's Eve scene is similarly unusual for the genre. Alex is still pretty oblivious that in reality he's quite obviously flirting heavily with Henry. Again, a bisexual angle that you don't often see. Henry knows he's as gay as a maypole(!) but Alex is oblivious to his feelings. It takes Henry's kiss to allow him to connect the dots about his feelings for him. And then, why Henry of all people? Love is like that, dude. Weird shit happens. In that I see some of myself in Alex. Instead of weirding out, he is much more like "huh. didn't see that coming, self" and rolls with it. That's the sign of somebody who lives much more in the moment unlike the over thinker Henry who has to calculate everything out to the nth degree. (update: in the book, Alex is definitely an over thinker, but not for sex and love, in my opinion)

The meeting with the king was a little stilted. I mean in this day and age would actual royals be this uptight about a gay prince, especially a spare? I guess with all of the drama with Prince Harry, maybe they would but it's hardly a secret that there were gay princes and kings for that matter. But I'm certainly no expert on all things royal so what would I know? Plus the king rolled over way too easily if it was his serious intent to quash the entire thing. The entire flash mob thing was also a little too clever by half. Not my favorite scene, but they had to drive the plot forward somehow on that front.

Likewise with the election scene... Texas? Seriously? I know it's Hollywood and you have to suspend disbelief but that's an especially hard ask. I guess they had to tie it back to Alex's work but it's really hard to imagine that happening these days with Trump and the crazy party ruling the roost. The final scene at Alex's house reinforced the bromance narrative. But that is a dynamic that a lot of gay couples have that is not as socially acceptable with straight relationships. It's ok to be bros and lovers too. Aric often compares me to his older brother Michael who he fought with every day. That's a look that's a little unusual too. All too often Hollywood forgets the playfulness of relationships.

One more minor thing I like is that Nick actually plays the piano. I had to look it up, but yes he is an accomplished musician. I have been having the Bach Sheep May Safely Graze he was playing become a very annoying earworm. That and Rachel Maddow. Girl, you need to stop doing these things. They are not a good look.

So why am I so smitten? I think it gave some new and refreshing twists to the age old genre. I thought that the acting was "on the nose" (sorry, Henry). While I have had nothing like Henry's experience (mine was much more like Alex's minus his cluelessness) I as a gay man really empathize with his predicament. This shit does happen up and down the social pecking order.  That and Nick Galitzine is beautiful. And a bottom. At least in the movie. The American hegemony of being the top makes all things right in the world. And that is yet another reason to love this.

My Red White and Royal Blue Sequel

 

[I've been completely smitten by Red White and Royal Blue and do think that a sequel is possible. Here's my ideas of the flow. Note that succession like things and royal protocols is definitely not my strong suit so it's more the ideas here. The time line is probably dodgy here too.]

Henry: I have been smitten by you from the first time we met. Charming. Insufferable. Impossibly handsome. Impossibly impossible. You rescued me from my agony and hopelessness and dared to love not just the man you thought I was, but the man that was actually there. Vulnerable. Trapped. I have never been so happy in my life or even dared to believe I could be. You are my prince charming, and I want to live happily ever after with you. Will you marry me?

Alex: I have been obsessed with you since I was 13. I didn't know why and I didn't understand my feelings. I projected my obsession onto you in the worst possible way. Then when we were forced to make good I finally saw you for who you really were. Beautiful. Warm. Giving. That our bromance turned into romance surprised me. And I loved everything about it. I grew as a man and I knew that I needed to protect and free you so that I could have the man I fell in love with. My forever. Will you marry me?

Cut to: another royal wedding, this time with Prince Henry and Alex a year after the election. Who will be in attendance from the royal family? Phillip shows, but very grudgingly. Set it in America to bookend the first wedding. The King has kept very distant. Drama: minimal, though everybody drew a deep breath at the cake feeding ceremony. Alex was very dainty with Henry causing everybody to exhale. We finally meet Henry's mother.

They've mainly been living together in America though Henry still keeps up with his royal duties. Alex has been working both behind the scenes and doing outreach and campaigning building on his success in Texas. Basically climbing the ladder for his ascent into politics. Henry is enjoying being less in the bright light of the public eye, though obviously not completely. A little bit of domestic bliss that he thought he could never have. He has even started to learn to cook. He can finally say that he as at peace and is happy.

A month later, Henry is summoned to Buckingham Palace. The news is not good: the king has lung cancer (those ciggies were foreshadowing!). The prognosis is unknown, but lung cancer is never a good thing. He will undergo surgery and radiation therapy and more will be known after. 

Alex finally decides to take the plunge into elected politics and run for congress. Henry is wary of this as he told Alex before of trading one prison for another. Plus it's pretty much a no-no for royals to be part of politics, though being American politics makes it a little easier to bend the rules. Henry makes it clear to Alex that he doesn't want to be used as a prop. His inclusion in the presidential race was a fluke due to the circumstances of being outed. They have to work out boundaries and the friction that causes. 

The campaign is underway in earnest. The good thing about it just being for congress is that most of the time the campaigning is local, but duties both from the White House and the Palace drag them apart more than they'd like. They start talking about having kids, something that Henry could never have dared to imagine other than through some sham marriage. They find out there is a new somewhat experimental procedure that allows both of them to donate their DNA into an egg so the child would be completely their blood. They then playfully banter about who would donate the X and who would donate either the X or Y.  Should it be a boy or a girl? Who will be the surrogate? 

The news from London is not particularly good. Nothing is imminent, but lung cancer is a bitch. The king is becoming more frail due to the ravages of treatment and the disease. The nation and world hold their breath. 

Then disaster strikes. Prince Phillip had a diving accident in the Maldives that has left him in a deep coma and most likely brain dead. The horror sets in for Henry: he may be king. In fact he will be king, it's just a matter of time. He is inconsolable as much as Alex tries. Alex is completely torn between his ongoing campaign which is nearing election day and Henry's existential crisis. Henry knows that this will destroy them and the only happiness he's ever known. Alex ever the optimist says they'll just have to figure it out. Alex reaches out to his mother but all she can do is offer a shoulder to cry on. He has to contemplate whether he's willing to give up the career he's always wanted to be with his man. Henry on the other hand never expected or wanted to be king. Should he abdicate? 

Election day. Alex wins handily. The charming young congressman and the face of the new generation of democrats. A very bright future lies ahead. Or does it? Henry shrinks into his cocoon rattled by the fear of what lies ahead. Alex brings up kids again. He thinks they should do it. Henry desperately wants this too, but just can't reconcile it with his reality. In the context of mostly being in America and living a mostly normal life, that made complete sense. Now though? He's back in the trap of not thinking about the future because there is no future that Alex freed him from before.

Phillip is indeed brain dead. The painful decision to remove him from his ventilator is made. Henry is officially next in line to be king. Media explodes and his and Alex's lives are thrown into complete chaos.  On the bright side, the king has stabilized and although the prognosis is not great it's not grim either. The king summons both of them to Balmoral where he has been recuperating. It's never been entirely clear what the king thinks about the two of them. He was taken aback by the support Henry received but beyond even his homophobia he has been very wary of being intertwined with American politics -- the less the better. The king makes it clear that it is duty before love as it has been for centuries. Henry must have a plan and that plan must include being king.

Alex makes plain that he will give up everything to stay with Henry. It's that important to him. And oh by the way? This settles who gives the Y chromosome. Succession demands it. Instead of comforting Henry it sends him into a funk anew. He knows the life that Alex is setting himself up for and knows that it will probably defeat him. Alex is hopeful though and after all a lot of politics is cutting ribbons and the like too. And by the way, what would his title be? Could he be the first male queen? His gay friends would be howling in laughter. 

Henry approaches Bea about the prospect of carrying their baby. He's trying to be hopeful and allow himself a future again, though he doesn't know what it might be. Bea says she'd be honored and when does he want to do it? Alex is ecstatic about the news and is insistent about doing it right away. They make the arrangements at the fertility clinic and the treatment will soon start.

Alex is inaugurated and is now officially a congressman. The in vitro fertilization was successful. But being crown prince means that he has many more duties than the spare and that is eating into their together time. Of course the life of a congressman is no cup of tea either. The king is still hanging in there so nothing is imminent. Henry is doing a better job of allowing life to happen rather than brooding about the future. Henry likes to razz Alex about how much better he is at schmoozing since that is basically his job title. So it's working. Kind of. One of the first orders of business is where the baby will reside when he's born. He will be the second in line to be king, after all. They decide that it would be in DC so Henry can spend as much time with Alex as possible, but the Palace is very not happy. They will have the proper English royal nannies as a compromise.

The baby is born and the media goes completely nuts on both sides of the Atlantic. He will be Prince Richard. As with life as a congressman, when the baby is born, Alex is in full campaign mode with the election being about a year away. But Alex has also been busy with his day job. He and others bucked the past and actually picked up enough seats to retake the House. This has allowed him to introduce legislation that actually has a chance to pass. He picked one sore point for gay people and especially young gay men to make PrEP freely available on demand along with the testing required. This covers the trap a lot of young gay men find themselves in when they are closeted to their parents and are on their insurance. He works his fellow congressmen for sponsors and gets solid support. This will be a solid achievement for his reelection. He has also excelled at constituent support holding many town halls and coffees. His biggest achievement is bringing much needed infrastructure investment back to his district and especially with renewables with batteries for Texas's notorious grid. Henry is deeply proud of Alex even though he is ridiculously busy. Henry even with his duties back in England has been the one who has the most time to spend with Richard.

It's September and the campaign is nearing the end. Alex's PrEP bill passed and made it through the Senate on reconciliation which allows an appropriation bill to not be filibustered along with his infrastructure investments. His mother signs the bill at the White House Lawn with Alex, Henry and Richard in tow. The dads are beaming with pride. Grandma is pretty proud too.

Back in London, things have taken a turn for the worse with the king. Henry is terrified because he knows that he will have to make a decision soon. Henry is crying uncontrollably as Alex tries to comfort him reiterating his promise that he will do anything to be with Henry. 

It's election night and the results are streaming in. Henry has been back and forth between the US and UK constantly leaving very little time to be together with Alex, but he promised that he'd be with Alex for this no matter what. Unsurprisingly the race is called for Alex: his hard work has paid off. Then the news starts to trickle in: King James has died. Henry is now king. Henry is both ecstatic for Alex and in complete dread of his worst fear coming true. The time has come. 

Alex prepares a resignation speech in anticipation that he will have to be the full time consort to King Henry. Unknown to Alex, Henry has written an abdication speech. Alex gives Henry his speech to read. Henry then gives Alex his speech. Alex says "I love you". Henry says "I love you more" making clear that he intends to abdicate. England can deal with a caretaker in the time in between when Richard is old enough to reign. It is, after all, an archaic institution says Henry. 

On New Years day, Henry delivers his speech. In it he says although he grew up knowing that it was duty and country first, he cannot give up the thing that he never thought he could have: a family and love. It's too much to ask of a person who has gone through what he has gone through. He can't destroy Alex and his life to be consort to a figurehead. Alex beams with pride and love for Henry. He whispers in Henry's ear: "Love you more more!"

On circumcision

Ouch!

 

Once upon a time a flamewar was had about the subject of male circumcision on soc.motss. OK, it occurred regularly with twits presuming to know our sexual pleasure better than us. But one time in particular there was an exchange that resulted in an exchange that perfectly set up Steven Levine to finish the job:

From: Steven Levine (steven@cray.com)
             Subject: Re: Having an Affect on the Outcome
             Newsgroups: soc.motss
               View: Complete Thread (1147 articles) | Original Format
             Date: 1998/11/03


            foultone@mtcc.com (Charlie Fulton) writes:

            > I can slam my dickhead in a drawer, yet I can't feel it.


            Michael Thomas writes:
            >  One of the great things about being mutilated is
            >that I can pound the head of my dick with a hammer
            >and watch it turn pretty shades of black and blue.


            Oh piffle.  You boys don't know what it means to

            have religious justification.  When *I* slam my dickhead

            in a drawer, I am doing it to fulfill my covenant with

            the Lord.  When *I* pound the naked scarrified mass of
            cells at the crown of my penis with a hammer,

            I am doing it in the name of the God of

            Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.


            "Barchu baruch Shmo" I say, when I behold the

            mutilated stump of the dick that once was.  "Baruch

            atah adonai elohenu melech haolam shelo asani
            goy" I shout to the hills, and, of course, the

            ever-subtextual "shelo asani esha".



            -Steven Levine
             steven@sgi.com

Ba-dum-ching! 

On Pride

Traditional Start of SF Pride: Dykes on Bikes

 

[written on Pride Sunday 2023]

On this pride day I realize that the modern gay rights movement in the US has happened pretty much within my lifetime. Unlike the popular mythology, modern gay rights didn't start at Stonewall as there was a lot of gay life in NYC, Chicago, SF, LA and other places throughout the 60's. it was often quietly tolerated so long as we kept our mouths shut. But politics was happening before Stonewall and for NYC the Mattachine's Sip-In lawsuit overturned the anti-gay laws about gay people at bars in like the mid 60's. One of the great ironies of Stonewall is that it was illegal and mob owned and the cops were on the take and would raid it if they didn't get their bribes. There was no reason for Stonewall to have existed at all in 1969. But before Stonewall the politics were definitely much more low-key.

 

The current gay parades were a repurposing of the Mattachine's Annual Reminder and decidedly not button down as before. But clearly there was something in the water as it simultaneously erupted in NYC, Chicago, LA and SF followed by many other cities in the years following. It also shows there was networking going on at a national level well before Stonewall. The Mattachine and Daughters of Bilitis are the most well known, but there was undoubtedly many more. 

 

There is a mythology that Pride was about a lot of Proud Queer Warriors in solidarity. In NYC the parade may have started out that way with the handful of people who started marching from the West Village, but it quickly turned into a party atmosphere as people joined in along the way on the march to Central Park -- many probably having no clue what it was about other than a lot of gay people together and not in a dark bar. You can bet that that party atmosphere in Central Park led to lots of fun later that night with new, uh, friends they met.

 

Pride in my opinion is about a very simple thing: visibility. It's much harder to hate something that has a name, a face or especially a relation. Coming out has been the #1 political tool, and Pride says I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it. I've always thought that one of the key innovations of the gay rights movement was the Pride parades. They are an annual reminder that we exist and that we aren't going away. It coupled with coming out has proven to be very powerful.

 

On the other side, Pride is about seeing that we're not alone for us. How many kids from hateful rural places that fled to big cities to be gay and then come to their first Pride parade with eyes the size of saucers seeing every imaginable kind of gay person all just having fun for our one day a year. Even in the age of gay marriage, it's still necessary and a reminder that there are a lot of gay people who don't have the freedom that cities afford to this day. 

 

A lot of us are over Pride because to be honest if you've seen one Pride parade, you've seen them all. The festivals can still be fun especially if you like the acts they bring in, and of course the people watching and cruising. For me, the funnest part was always at the bars after as everybody is in a festive and frisky mood -- it was one of those few days a year that people really let down their inhibitions. It's a view of what it would be like if being gay was the norm instead of straight.

 

Given the current spasms of homophobia and transphobia lately, Pride seems especially relevant again. We can't allow Nazi scum like the Proud Boys dictate what we can and can't do. As far as I can tell, they for the most part didn't show up or incite violence -- typical for chicken shit bitches, they know they'd get their asses kicked. But it's also good for smaller cities and even rural areas because you get to know your gay neighbors which can be pretty hard especially with the advent of apps. Having lived in San Francisco, the size of the crowd is overwhelming -- like one million overwhelming -- but having been to smaller Prides like Long Beach and San Jose they feel more intimate. And of course the Prides in rural areas like where we live now are very intimate -- ours was a potluck in a park. 

Now to all of the belly achers of "CORPRO HAS DEBASED OUR PURE PRIDE!!!" -- get the fuck over yourselves. Pride was never any one thing and adding corpro isn't hurting anybody. This year in particular it has shown that it's not just an empty political gesture. While there has been some craven back peddling, the vast majority have not. Also: a lot of who marches at Pride for corpro are their employees so fuck off if you don't think they should march if they think their company is gay friendly. Silicon Valley led the way in many respects for companies having pro-gay HR policies and if they want to march I say they deserve it. HR by it's nature is very conservative and extremely cover your ass, so it's no small thing for them to be on board. Besides I loved the cute little rainbow Androids Google was handing out one year around when it first came out. 

And the worst of all are the horrified Puritans who clutch their pearls at people dressing like you'd see at any beach. They can fuck right off too. Little kids don't know what Furries are about (heck, neither do I). All they know is that they are colorful animated animals. Which they are, and kids love them. And heaven help us if the pups trot down the parade route on all fours. Kids don't know what it's about (again, neither do I). Reading sex acts into that sort of thing is ridiculous. Parents can make their own decisions about what they want their kids to be exposed to, not some hysterical Puritans wanting veto power.

 

So Happy Pride from this jaded old troll. Do political things! Do naughty things! Have a ball!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coming Out by not Coming Out

Me being butch helping to build Keith's house

 

When I turned 18 I immediately rushed up to Hollywood to a club a guy had told me about when I was 16 and began my gay career. I went up there often and would often spend the night with the guys I was hooking up with, including a guy that I was sort of seeing (in reality, I was more like his pet boy). I eventually dropped out of school for about a year to be gay. In that time I had quite a few adventures including going up to Vancouver and coming back with a souvenir key frob which said on one side "Cruising the Straits" and on the other "BC Ferries". I of course thought this was scandalously hilarious. 

 

So here I was not in school, gone all of the time from home and doing who knows what from my parents' standpoint. I really didn't make excuses, because I just didn't bring it up at all. They didn't ask, I didn't tell. Honestly, they were probably happy to have fewer people around to get some peace and quiet. In that time I did do the traditional coming out scene with my father who lived up in LA. It was the typical hand wringing "I have something to tell you" kind of coming out. My father was actually relieved and said "thank god, I thought you got a girl pregnant". 

In the summer of 1979 I met this super hot blond guy at some club in Orange County. I was smitten. We had ridiculously good sexual energy and we got along really well. This was weird because I was still 18 and he was an agriculture teacher down in Northern San Diego County. And 28. When we met he was up for the summer staying at some guy's place in Laguna Beach and I'd be over there all of the time. So we ended up becoming an item after a while. I now had a boyfriend.

This is usually where the problems of being closeted show up big time. But while I wasn't exactly out of the closet, I wasn't exactly in the closet either. I just sort of did my own thing and didn't care what other people thought. When Keith my boyfriend started coming around it had to be odd that 28 year old teacher was hanging around an 18 year old wild boy. My relatives liked him though and I did have some cover in that I'd go down to visit him and hang out with him on the school's farm. I really enjoyed that and when he decided to build his own house, I loved helping him build it. 

So I had some plausible deniability at least from the outside. I didn't view it that way though as I was just doing my own thing and they could think whatever they wanted. This went on for several years with me going down there, and him coming up. He even went with me to thanksgiving at my grandparents house. My grandmother being a grandmother would always ask about any girlfriends but that thanksgiving when she asked, I sort of pointed my elbow at Keith. She immediately went about her business and everything was good. So I sort of came out in the more traditional use of the phrase.

After about 2 some years, I decided to break up with him. In the end it really was for the best, but my reasons were really cringe worthy and I'm still embarrassed by them. The net effect though is that I stopped going down there, and he stopped being part of my life at home. Nobody asked. But it had to be obvious that he was my boyfriend all along and that we had broken up.

When I finally turned 21, my stepdad and I got into a big fight for something I don't remember what, but the net effect was that I moved out down to Dana Point. I had a job at a startup in Irvine writing low level code for various pieces of hardware they were making. So I had a real job. I also had a new boyfriend who I had moved out with. I don't recall much interaction between him and my family, but that was mainly a function of me living quite a ways away and my being busy. At work I was always a pretty serious kind of guy and wasn't much for the normal office banter. Maybe that was a function of being a little closety, but I think that most of it is that I found all of that small talk rather boring. 

Michael and I broke up about a year after I had moved out and I ended up living at my manager's house with one other coworker. The coworker unknown to me at the time turned out to be gay and also unbeknownst to me had a crush on me. This was extremely awkward as I wasn't into him and didn't like the drama it was causing, so I ended up moving out and down to Mission Viejo. After Michael I dated here and there but nothing serious for about 4 years. I was busy with work, and came and went with who I was seeing when I felt like it both at my manager's house and then the new one. So not much to force the issue and since I just went about my business, and it didn't matter to me.

Around 1985 things were about to radically change for me. Two things happened almost simultaneously. My manager and I along with two others decided to create an engineering company. We had a contract in hand to develop a laser printer controller so we were set for at least a year to bootstrap ourselves. I also met my next boyfriend, Todd. He moved in with me down in Mission Viejo and then eventually to our condo when I bought it on the lake there. So I was incredibly busy at the time working on the printer and basically being a one-man software development department as well as spinning up the necessary infrastructure to support me, future employees, and all of the developers for the company who had contracted us. 

Despite all of this, Todd and I managed to get away some weekends with my folks going up to the eastern side of the Sierra to camp and fish. We also skied when we could and sailed quite a bit in races around LA harbor and Catalina and the rest. It was really obvious that Todd and I were an item both with our sailing buddies and at work. We'd have parties for our employees at our house so it was just sort of an open secret that nobody seemed to give a shit about any more than I really cared about their straight love lives. It just was. 

I finally came out to my mother officially when we were both pretty drunk while we were camping one night. I just casually asked her what she thought about having a gay son. She then proceeded to drop a bomb on me that her brother, my uncle Ramon, had come out in some fashion in the 1940's to my grandparents which caused unsurprisingly a huge scandal. Apparently my grandmother (the other one) had always blamed herself for his being gay. But just like with my other relatives I never hid my boyfriends and it had to be obvious that I too was gay. So I never knew what she made of that. Like Ramon, the family was happy to not talk about that. 

Ramon painted a lot of South West scenes

 

The biggest part of the bombshell about Ramon was that he had died a few years earlier. I would have given anything to have had an adult relationship with him had I known because he was brilliant and an extremely talented artist. He painted in Hollywood, Laguna Beach which were obviously pretty gay for the time, but ended up in Santa Fe where he painted with a lot of Native American and Mexican themes. What was it like being gay in the 1940's? Did he have boyfriends? I know that he had a sham marriage, but nothing beyond that. What would he have thought about me basically being out in that I didn't hide anything? Did he have a similar attitude? I will never know. But chalk this one up to where not formally coming out backfired badly.

So this may come off as being sort of self-serving and a justification for not formally coming out to people. It's a fair point, and I acknowledge that. But it worked for me, and I think that I did my part with Harvey Milk's famous speech on the importance of coming out. I rationalize this at some level in that the way I behaved is the way it should actually be. That is, that being gay is just normal and doesn't require any special theatrics. It also has another characteristic in that it basically dares people to be openly homophobic. Formally coming out is an invitation for them to react badly because you are basically asking them to accept you for who you are. Just living your life puts the onus on them to be dick heads. Obviously I had a lot of things in my favor in that I was living in Southern California which even though I was behind the Orange Curtain (Orange County) was still a lot more tolerant in general than some buckle of the bible belt in the South. In Orange County at the time, the religious kooks were just starting to become radicalized. In the South, they never stopped. So I had that.

These days would I recommend people do what I did? It depends. For a lot of America, coming out is not a big deal. Yes, tears will be shed, yes there will be lots of hand wringing, yes there will be lots of education needed. And of course you won't get blindsided by a family secret until after it's too late. On the other hand just Being makes its own statement too: I'm not going to beg for your acceptance and fuck you if you don't approve. So I don't really know. Either way you can live your life in the way you see fit and not cower in the closet. Both serve the same political goal too of people knowing gay people and the positive feedback loop that creates. As I said, it's a little self-serving so you get to decide.

40 years ago, soc.motss was newgroup'd

 

From the 1997 Motss Con at Ti Couz

What is soc.motss you ask? Soc means "social" and motss means "members of the same sex" (ie, gay). Clear as mud? Back in 1983 the Internet was young. As in *very* young like a few years old and the great TCP/IP flag day happening that year. It grew out of a US defense department agency called ARPA (Advanced Research Projects Agency) which built the world's first interconnected network called ARPANET. There were just a handful of locations at first but it grew and by the early 80's was worldwide. So... connectivity.

Email at the time was *the* killer app and its uses expanded to create mailing lists and other uses so that users could exchange ideas, trade gossip, and have discussions. Usenet was more or less built out of email to create discussion forums, mostly technical but with some social groups. Usenet which though not bound directly to the internet, was heavily intertwined with its rise. In 1983, Steve Dyer then of BBN (who created the ARPANET IMPS which we'd call routers today) decided that it would be great to have a GLBT group called soc.motss so that gay people could meet and discuss issues of the day both grand and mundane. The soc.motss name was purposely sort of opaque so as to not raise homophobic admins' eyebrows.

Soc.motss was still sort of an oddity as the number of people using the internet in the 80's was still tiny and mostly used by academics and researchers. But it grew and became the first gay online community. It was also very unusual in that later there were lots of BBS's but they were usually geared toward dialing for dick. Motss was different. It ran the gamut on every subject imaginable from gay culture, the trails and travails of being gay, and of course in those terrible years the scourge of AIDS. For people who had access it was a window into a world of people, cultures and lives across the world we could have never hoped to experience in real life. Given the limited set of people who had access to the internet, it wasn't as you'd imagine the most diverse set of people, but it did have a fair number of lesbian regulars which was nice. And bisexuals. More on them later.

While hooking up wasn't the purpose of motss, it's not to say that it didn't happen. Ok, it happened a lot. In 1988, they decided to have a first meet up in San Francisco -- the motss.con (convention). I have no first hand knowledge of the frivolity, but i imagine it was in the air. But people used their real names back then and their location so it became the norm that when somebody was visiting another city that people would meet up. This eventually led to the infamous fuck chart of which my other half was a nexus. Motss led to quite a few couples getting together too. For me, I had more than a few people completely change their mind about me when we met. I really don't see me and my style as much different online vs. in real life, but it's really hard to read tone on the net so when I'm just chuckling and being somewhat silly, others read it as fire breathing. In one memorable meeting, Steven Levine and I met at a gay bar called the Paradise in Cambridge Ma and he was sort of bemused that he was chatting with me and actually having a good time. I just bat my eyes and smile.

I came around in 1991 having been working on internet connected things as the internet was just opening up to the wider public. At that time, soc.motss was a fully formed community with norms, well known personalities, inside-jokes, age old flame wars, and various factions including what is now known as the bear community. And to balance the bears, were their mortal enemies: twinks. Twinks of course didn't have any clue they were enemies and just looked pretty wondering what all of the bellowing was about. It also, I'd say, had a hand in expanding gay rights in tech. Since there was so much crossover between gay tech folks and their lobbying at work with groups like NOGLSTP finding many of its members who posted to soc.motss. It was all really quite magical and fascinating and unlike anything i had experienced. It was impossible to explain to anybody as they'd look at you as if you had grown a propeller on your head.

Some of the flame wars were downright hilarious in their sound and fury. One particular flame war was about the appropriateness of cruising guys at the AIDS Memorial Quilt. Another was a very strange flame war called Anal Carrot to the Eyeball in which a drag queen apparently shot a carrot out of her bussy and hit somebody in the audience. Another was about the perennial debate about circumcision which was crowned by Steven Levine's covenant with his old testament god. Another involved me where somebody who was tetched had announced loudly to the group that I wasn't gay. The hilarious part about this is that I was down in LA visiting my friends Ken, Arne and Howard and staying in Howard's room with the world's worst hangover. Howard was infusing himself and howling with laughter at the post declaring that we were going to have to inform my boyfriend Aric, while I could barely open my eyes in agony. 

Oh and bisexuals. There were bisexuals and flame wars a plenty. A recurring one was whether "monosexual" was a legitimate way to group gay and straight people (spit). Another was what the big deal about gay marriage was where one of the bisexuals called Muffy said it wasn't a big deal since we could get married in San Francisco (we couldn't). We started calling her Muffy Antoinette as in "let them eat wedding cake". It turns out that she married to get somebody a green card, making it all the more hypocritical. But nothing beats the bisexual indignity of one of their loin fruit being suckled on my bed. 

Soc.motss even lead to somebody getting outed. I was using the gnus news reader (which was written for the Emacs text editor) at the time and was going through its documentation and it was making clear references to soc.motss with allusions to various flame wars and the general style of how proper flaming was to be done. I hunted down the author who had a .sig (ie a tagline at the end of your message) which had "instant slut, just add milk". Caught red handed, I outed him to the group and Larsi became part of the lore. I believe he even attended a motss con the next year or so.

One recurring theme is that as more universities gave access to students there would be a deluge of new posters, both gay and homophobes. For some reason Penn State was the locus of a lot of ire for the yearly ritual and sort of a running joke. But motss attracted lots of students, often closeted or semi-closeted, who often wrote privately to the regulars forming what was called the soft underbelly of soc.motss. Since students are perennially starving, we afforded quite a few of them over the years "scholarships" to be able to attend motss cons. The younguns also provided some new blood to the group which would otherwise have become ossified and sclerotic. But there were undoubtedly a huge number of people who just lurked enjoying the fun at what was essentially an electronic cocktail party. Hopefully we made an impression that being gay could be positive and fun and interesting even in the face of their terrible local and home situations.

Soc.motss had its serious side too. Howard who was sick and fighting what would be his last battle wrote a deeply moving post about his condition on the occasion of Greg Louganis announcing that he had contracted HIV. We did make that trip, but Howard was too sick to come with us. Howard's death was very traumatic for soc.motss as he was a well known regular and everybody loved him. It led to me of all people delivering his eulogy at Forest Lawn (update, it was actually Mount Sinai Memorial Park  which was next door) which I still don't know how I managed to pull off. A year later I wrote a post about a custom that we had taken up since he died by starting a meal with friends with a "To Howard" toast. Soc.motss lost other people to AIDS of course but it was like being in the suburbs in that we probably didn't know all of the ones we lost because they would just stop participating.

But the Internet and Usenet grew and grew and Grew and GREW. Incursions by homophobes were common and had its set of well known freaks spouting the same homophobic bullshit that is still being recycled to this day. But there were plenty of flame wars to be had with the regular participants as well. Gays and religiosity was a lightning rod. Likewise hiding drag queens and leather men at gay pride parades, and if only we showed the good gays(tm) we'd get our rights faster (hint: no). And of course the time honored "I am unlike the other gurls" whine which is a staple of every Reddit (basically Usenet 2.0) gay-related sub to this day.

I had the pleasure of hosting the 10th annual motss.con in 1997 at my house in the Castro in San Francisco. It was fabulous with people from around the world packing my place and the Dixieland Dykes playing in my cul-de-sac overlooking the city much to the amusement of our neighbors who also feasted on the fete in our garage. There were probably 200 people there that year and really marked the zenith as the net took off in zillions of other directions with loads of new people coming online. This made a relatively tight knit set of people who knew each other into a wild west, overwhelmed and especially subject to spammers. Usenet faded away eventually and was replaced by other social media, Reddit being closest to being the same format.

This was written up about 10 years ago about soc.motss. I know almost everybody in the article over the years. it's something that probably can't ever be recreated, and certainly not with Reddit given its anonymous format. But suffice it to say that it was as life changing for gay people then as it even is today for gay people isolated in small and homophobic places today. It was a window into a much larger world where being gay can be normal and special and fun.

The core of soc.motss is now a Facebook group and is getting... old. Steve Dyer died in 2010, and many regulars have passed away in the mean time. The group is rarely contentious anymore because everybody knows everybody's hobby horses and it's easier to ignore them than relitigate fights from 30 years ago. Thankfully it's old age and the ravages of time that are picking us off rather than the horror of AIDS. But what a time and what a great bit of gay history that almost nobody knows about. There is an archive of soc.motss, but it is very incomplete and it's a miracle that it exists at all since it definitely wasn't Gene Spafford's day job.

Oh, and it's sOsh motss, not sock motss. Anybody who says otherwise is a moron¹.

1: Moron was in-group kind of language and was used liberally on soc.motss. It was also handy when somebody felt overly attacked by morons as in "who gave me the moron magnet?"

Howard's death at one year

 

Subject: To Howard
Newsgroups: soc.motss
Organization: Cabal Noir: Universal Headquarters

  It's been a year ago today that Howard left us,
a year that has been painful for all of us who
knew and loved him. It really seems hard to
imagine as I still vividly see his enthusiasm at
some of the most mundane or peculiar things that
had, for some reason or another, piqued his
endless curiosity. I still hear his voice
answering the phone "Michael!" I especially
remember his passion for things that he enjoyed;
even when you knew that he was being a bit tetched,
it was still fun to watch him enthuse.
  Howard leaves a legacy with many people, but I
think for Arne and me one of the most important
parts of that legacy is our love of food and wine
and the importance of the social ritual with good
food and good friends. There is something magical
with the product of the day's labor being so
appreciated by your friends, yet totally
non-sentimental as it is consumed, like friendship, 
on a day to day basis.
  I guess this was poetic in some ways, because
for Howard there was only the current moment. Even
when he was pain, he tried to make the most of
what he had. He always approached life with a
gusto and verve that was truly inspirational. I
didn't know Howard before he became sick, so I
don't know if he was always like this (I suspect
so), but his passion for life was contagious. 
  In real life, Howard had a wonderful, passionate
presence that is really hard to explain. Ken made
a video of Howard -- various clips of trips they
had taken -- that absolutely catches his very
essence. At Howard's memorial, Ken played this 
for us and I don't think there was anybody who
could speak for 20 minutes afterward as it was 
so *him*. So, so Howard. I especially remember
the scene of Howard gobbling down some greasy
burger in Seattle. And now he's gone.  
  Richard Johnson started a custom amongst some of
the people who knew and loved Howard to always
start the evening's meal with an obligatory toast
which is a simple, yet powerful way to pay homage to
this important fixture in our lives. I miss Howard
immensely, and can barely contain my tears, but on
this year's anniversary of his death, I can think
of nothing more fitting today than this simple
toast:

  "To Howard"
-- 
Michael Thomas	(mike@mtcc.com http://www.mtcc.com/~mike/)
  Pass the bottle and damn the expense
  I've heard it said by a man of sense
  That the labouring classes could scarce live a day
  If people like us didn't eat, drink and pay
    -- A. H. Clough

Zuni Cafe Tuscan Chicken Fixed

 

At the bar. Ask for their fab Bloody

 

Anybody who has been to Zuni Cafe in San Francisco knows that their Tuscan Chicken for two is the bomb. It seems that Judy Rodgers transcribed her recipe and the Intertoobs have faithfully posted it as is. The problem is that her recipe is confusing as hell and the steps are not in the best order and there are missing ones on top of that. When I cook I always figure out what can be done as far ahead as possible without hurting the quality. Restaurants, of course, do the same thing so I'm sure this translation is probably close to how they do it too. I think her recipe was more of a stream of consciousness than "here's how we get it out of the kitchen".

I've added some notes in the ingredients and steps along the way. One thing I've noticed is that the dressing for the bread salad is extremely spare given the quantities. I usually double it and then you can judge for yourself how much is appropriate. If there's any left, you can always put it on the table.

Serves 2

Ingredients

• One small chicken, 2-¾ to 3-½-pounds [ed: the smaller the better, don't get a giant roaster, and splurge on a really good quality one. also: for 4, use two chickens if possible but that may be too much; the object here is to figure out the quantities of what you can get and remember it for the next time to scale it]
  
• 4 tender sprigs fresh thyme, marjoram, rosemary, or sage, about ½ inch long
• Salt [ed: kosher is good to draw out moisture]
  
• About ¼ teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper [ed: more to taste for chicken]
  
• A little water
• Generous 8 ounces slightly stale open-crumbed, chewy, peasant-style bread (not sourdough) [ed: we often use Acme Sour Levain, but a nice Ciabatta works really well too]
  
• 6 to 8 tablespoons mild-tasting olive oil
  
• 1½ tablespoons Champagne vinegar or white wine vinegar
• Freshly cracked black pepper for vinaigrette
  
• 1 tablespoon dried currants
• 1 teaspoon red wine vinegar, or as needed [ed: taste for tanginess and remember that bread soaks up a lot of flavor]
  
• 1 tablespoon warm water
• 2 tablespoons pine nuts
• 2 to 3 garlic cloves, slivered
• ¼ cup slivered scallions (about 4 scallions), including a little of the green part
• 2 tablespoons lightly salted Chicken Stock or lightly salted water
• A few handfuls of arugula, frisee, or red mustard greens, carefully washed and dried

 

Do Ahead at Least One Day, Preferably More

1. Seasoning the chicken (1 to 3 days before serving; for 3-¼- to 3-½-pound chickens, at least 2 days): Remove and discard the lump of fat inside the chicken. Rinse the chicken and pat very dry inside and out. Be thorough- a wet chicken will spend too much time steaming before it begins to turn golden brown.

2. Approaching from the edge of the cavity, slide a finger under the skin of each of the breasts, making 2 little pockets. Now use the tip of your finger to gently loosen a pocket of skin on the outside of the thickest section of each thigh. Using your finger, shove an herb sprig into each of the 4 pockets.

3. Season the chicken liberally all over with salt and the pepper (we use ¾ teaspoon sea salt per pound of chicken). Season the thick sections a little more heavily than the skinny ankles and wings. Sprinkle a little of the salt just inside the cavity, on the backbone, but don’t otherwise worry about seasoning the inside. Twist and tuck the wing tips behind the shoulders. Cover loosely and refrigerate [ed: I usually put this in the meat drawer uncovered to pull out more water. less water means crispier skin].

 

Do Ahead on the Day

These really don't need to be any particular order. These can all be done well in advance which I always recommend.

• Cut the bread into a couple of large chunks. Carve off all of the bottom crust and most of the top and side crust (reserve the top and side crusts to use as croûtons in salads or soups). Brush the bread allover with olive oil. Broil very briefly, to crisp and lightly color the surface. Turn the bread chunks over and crisp the other side. Trim off any badly charred tips, then tear the chunks into a combination of irregular 2- to 3-inch wads, bite-sized bits, and fat crumbs. You should get about 4 cups. [ed: the idea here is to lightly toast the bread, not make croutons. also: it's just as easy to use the drizzle the olive oil on the bread and then toss it to distribute the oil]
•  Combine about ¼ cup of the olive oil with the Champagne or white wine vinegar and salt and pepper to taste.
  
• Place the currants in a small bowl and moisten with the red wine vinegar and warm water. Set aside.
• Slice up the garlic and scallions and saute them in the olive oil until softened not browned
  
• Rinse and dry the greens

Crunch Time

1. Remove the chicken from the fridge an hour or two ahead of time
2. Choose a shallow flameproof roasting pan or dish barely larger than the chicken, or use a 10-inch skillet with an all-metal handle. Preheat the pan over medium heat. Wipe the chicken dry and set it breast side up in the pan. It should sizzle.
   

3. Roast the chicken: Preheat the oven to 475°. (Depending on the size, efficiency, and accuracy of your oven, and the size of your bird, you may need to adjust the heat to as high as 500° or as low as 450° during the course of roasting the chicken to get it to brown properly. If that proves to be the case, begin at that temperature the next time you roast a chicken. If you have a convection function on your oven, use it for the first 30 minutes; it will enhance browning, and may reduce overall cooking time by 5 to 10 minutes.)

4. Place in the center of the oven and listen and watch for it to start sizzling and browning within 20 minutes. If it doesn’t, raise the temperature progressively until it does. The skin should blister, but if the chicken begins to char, or the fat is smoking, reduce the temperature by 25 degrees. After about 30 minutes, turn the bird over (drying the bird and preheating the pan should keep the skin from sticking). Roast for another 10 to 20 minutes, depending on size, then flip back over to recrisp the breast skin, another 5 to 10 minutes. Total oven time will be 45 minutes to an hour. [ed: the smart thing to do is write this down for the next time]
   

5. While the chicken is roasting, toss about ¼ cup [ed: or more. this is very spartan] of the tart vinaigrette with the torn bread in a wide salad bowl; the bread will be unevenly dressed. Taste one of the more saturated pieces. If it is bland, add a little salt and pepper and toss again.
6. Toss in the currents and garlic/scallions and pine nuts into the bowl
   
7. Place in a oven proof dish and lightly tent with foil. Into the oven right as you take the chicken out and while it's resting. Bake for about 10 minutes or so.
8. Remove the chicken from the baking dish and remove the excess oil and deglaze with about 1 Tbs of water or stock. This shouldn't take very long... just long enough to loosen the bits from the pan
   
9. Slash the stretched skin between the thighs and breasts of the chicken, then tilt the bird and plate over the roasting pan to drain the juice into the drippings. Set the chicken in a warm spot (which may be your stove top), and leave to rest while you finish the bread salad. The meat will become more tender and uniformly succulent as it cools. [ed: 9 & 10 are done simultaneously]
   
10. Set a serving platter in the oven to warm for a minute or two.
11. Add the greens to the bread salad and toss
    
12. Put the bread salad back into the serving bowl and drizzle with the pan juices
13. Carve the chicken and place on the bread salad
    

The finished product in all its glory

Original Instructions

Here for the record is the original instructions from Judy Rodgers:

1. Seasoning the chicken (1 to 3 days before serving; for 3-¼- to 3-½-pound chickens, at least 2 days): Remove and discard the lump of fat inside the chicken. Rinse the chicken and pat very dry inside and out. Be thorough- a wet chicken will spend too much time steaming before it begins to turn golden brown.

2. Approaching from the edge of the cavity, slide a finger under the skin of each of the breasts, making 2 little pockets. Now use the tip of your finger to gently loosen a pocket of skin on the outside of the thickest section of each thigh. Using your finger, shove an herb sprig into each of the 4 pockets.

3. Season the chicken liberally all over with salt and the pepper (we use ¾ teaspoon sea salt per pound of chicken). Season the thick sections a little more heavily than the skinny ankles and wings. Sprinkle a little of the salt just inside the cavity, on the backbone, but don’t otherwise worry about seasoning the inside. Twist and tuck the wing tips behind the shoulders. Cover loosely and refrigerate.

4. Starting the bread salad (up to several hours in advance): Preheat the broiler.

5. Cut the bread into a couple of large chunks. Carve off all of the bottom crust and most of the top and side crust (reserve the top and side crusts to use as croûtons in salads or soups). Brush the bread allover with olive oil. Broil very briefly, to crisp and lightly color the surface. Turn the bread chunks over and crisp the other side. Trim off any badly charred tips, then tear the chunks into a combination of irregular 2- to 3-inch wads, bite-sized bits, and fat crumbs. You should get about 4 cups.

6. Combine about ¼ cup of the olive oil with the Champagne or white wine vinegar and salt and pepper to taste. Toss about ¼ cup of this tart vinaigrette with the tom bread in a wide salad bowl; the bread will be unevenly dressed. Taste one of the more saturated pieces. If it is bland, add a little salt and pepper and toss again.

7. Place the currants in a small bowl and moisten with the red wine vinegar and warm water. Set aside.

8. Roasting the chicken and assembling the salad: Preheat the oven to 475°. (Depending on the size, efficiency, and accuracy of your oven, and the size of your bird, you may need to adjust the heat to as high as 500° or as low as 450° during the course of roasting the chicken to get it to brown properly. If that proves to be the case, begin at that temperature the next time you roast a chicken. If you have a convection function on your oven, use it for the first 30 minutes; it will enhance browning, and may reduce overall cooking time by 5 to 10 minutes.)

9. Choose a shallow flameproof roasting pan or dish barely larger than the chicken, or use a 10-inch skillet with an all-metal handle. Preheat the pan over medium heat. Wipe the chicken dry and set it breast side up in the pan. It should sizzle.

10. Place in the center of the oven and listen and watch for it to start sizzling and browning within 20 minutes. If it doesn’t, raise the temperature progressively until it does. The skin should blister, but if the chicken begins to char, or the fat is smoking, reduce the temperature by 25 degrees. After about 30 minutes, turn the bird over (drying the bird and preheating the pan should keep the skin from sticking). Roast for another 10 to 20 minutes, depending on size, then flip back over to recrisp the breast skin, another 5 to 10 minutes. Total oven time will be 45 minutes to an hour.

11. While the chicken is roasting, place the pine nuts in a small baking dish and set in the hot oven for a minute or two, just to warm through. Add them to the bowl of bread.

12. Place a spoonful of the olive oil in a small skillet, add the garlic and scallions, and cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly, until softened. Don’t let them color. Scrape into the bread and fold to combine. Drain the plumped currants and fold in. Dribble the chicken stock or lightly salted water over the salad and fold again. Taste a few pieces of bread-a fairly saturated one and a dryish one. If it is bland, add salt, pepper, and/or a few drops of vinegar, then toss well. Since the basic character of bread salad depends on the bread you use, these adjustments can be essential.

13. Pile the bread salad in a 1-quart baking dish and tent with foil; set the salad bowl aside. Place the salad in the oven after you flip the chicken the final time.

14. Finishing and serving the chicken and bread salad: Remove the chicken from the oven and turn off the heat. Leave the bread salad to continue warming for another 5 minutes or so.

15. Lift the chicken from the roasting pan and set on a plate. Carefully pour the clear fat from the roasting pan, leaving the lean drippings behind. Add about a tablespoon of water to the hot pan and swirl it.

16. Slash the stretched skin between the thighs and breasts of the chicken, then tilt the bird and plate over the roasting pan to drain the juice into the drippings. Set the chicken in a warm spot {which may be your stovetop}, and leave to rest while you finish the bread salad. The meat will become more tender and uniformly succulent as it cools.

17. Set a platter in the oven to warm for a minute or two.

18. Tilt the roasting pan and skim the last of the fat. Place over medium-low heat, add any juice that has collected under the chicken, and bring to a simmer. Stir and scrape to soften any hard golden drippings. Taste-the juices will be extremely flavorful.

19. Tip the bread salad into the salad bowl. (It will be steamy-hot, a mixture of soft, moist wads, crispy-on-the-outside-but-moist-in-the-middle wads, and a few downright crispy ones.) Drizzle and toss with a spoonful of the pan juices. Add the greens, a drizzle of vinaigrette, and fold well. Taste again.

20. Cut the chicken into pieces, spread the bread salad on the warm platter, and nestle the chicken in the salad.